Even Steven
by NoWindForThisHole
Summary: WHEN WILL LUPUS COME BACK


Sapphire was dead. Greg Universe backed up the van and ran over her body again, wondering what he kept hitting. "Who's yelling at me? Where am I? Rose? Rose?"

Steven bounced out of the van, and his fall was cushioned by his boisterous hair. His father had also exited the van through the window, unable to figure out how to unlock the door. He gazed under the vehicle at his mistake. "What happened, how could I have done this?" he sobbed.

Steven shrugged. "Been working way too much."

Ruby, who had occupied the half of Garnet which had not been stuck under the car, was pretty PO'd. Greg had never seen Garnet unfused, and so thought that he'd just ran over an ordinary blue child. "Little Native American boy," he weeped to Ruby, "Please forgive me. You're too young for this, too ethnic for this."

Greg turned his attention to the lifeless body still under his van. He grasped just one leg. "This. Will. Work." Greg strained and sprained his back muscles while pulling on Sapphire's leg. Within seconds, one of the van's wheels popped under stress, and the run-down clunker collapsed directly onto her gem. It shattered into tens of thousands of pieces. Sapphire was no more.

Greg slapped himself in the forehead. "How could I let this happen to such a precious jewel of life?" he lamented, not realizing that it had quite literally been a precious jewel of life. Saliva filled his beard lips. Ruby panicked, shaking violently and foaming at the mouth. Greg patted her shoulder in a lazy attempt to console her. This counted as a fusion dance.

A bright flash signifying the melding of two occured. Steven was disinterested. "Need to get out and get fucked up," he sighed. He grabbed his left leg with his right hand and his right leg with his left hand.

Back at the shack at the base of the hill, Amethyst was fingering herself, trying to find the so-called G-Stone. "Pearl," she whined, "I can't find the dang thing!"

Pearl sighed and sighed some more. "If only Rose was here, she knew all about this. We used to call her the G-Master." Pearl put down her many dangerous chemicals and brandished her spear. "Sit still and relax your pelvis," she instructed.

Amethyst lay back on the couch. Pearl snapped on her glove, loosened it up with the spear handle, and jammed it in. "Amethyst, when was the last time you rinsed this shit out?"

"You think I shower? Have you seen my room?"

The door creaked open. Steven locked eyes with both Pearl and Amethyst, the former's hand shoved into the latter's vagina up to the wrist. "This is where I don't come in," Steven announced, turning around and closing the door behind him.

Amethyst went through the now-ruined convulsions that should have been pleasurable. "That was a sad cum."

Pearl clenched her fist and pulled out, the glove getting caught and remaining within. She huffed and walked away without even washing her goddamn hands. She tried to grab hold of the doorknob, but her hands were too slippery from Amethyst's rock juice. She had to phase through the door, wasting her precious rock energy.

"Purple fuck," she sighed, expressing both her frustration with Amethyst and what she wanted to do with Amethyst. Ever since Rose had made the wrong decision, Pearl could only relieve her burdening urges by paying Amethyst to shapeshift into Rose so she could have an image to rub herself to. It was a good subsitute... for now. She jumped up to the rooftop, where she heard Steven.

Steven was carressing the statue carved into the face of the cliff. "My stone wall..."

Pearl grabbed Steven's wrist with her still-soiled hand. "Come on, Rose-prison, we're going inside," she grumbled. "We need to talk about knocking-first etiquette."

When they returned to the beach house, Amethyst was dripping from her eyes in addition to her hole. "Garnet?" she said weakly.

"NO," the stranger declared. She turned to face Pearl. She looked exactly like Garnet, only sporting a thick beard. "THIS IS GRUBY. IT IS I, GRUBY. I AM GRUBY."

Pearl was mortified. Steven could not handle the imagery and sunk into a state of hopeless denial. He sat on the floor and covered his eyes with his hands. "I remain inanimate, aloof."

Pearl started vibrating out of her body; she went floof and her gem fell to the floor. She needed some time off. Amethyst removed Steven's arms from his face and stared him dead in the eyes. "Steven of the Universe, you gotta check this shit out," Amethyst burped. After fetching a soda from the fridge and stomping the sweet bubblemilk out of it, she lodged the crushed can into the hole in Pearl's body's head. "Hey Pearls, go bring Lapis back."

Pearl arched over backwards and scuttled out the window like a crab. "TASK. TASK. TASK," she shouted as she ran.

Amethyst tugged Gruby's beard to get her attention. "You've gotta calm down, you should go to your room and think about what you've done."

Gruby huffily complied. Since she only had one gem now, she could not open the door to the artist formerly known as Garnet's room. The door to Ruby's room had not been open for decades, and when it was, Steven and the gang were greeted by the harshest odor that any of them had ever experienced.

Mounds and mounds of fermented shit were piled high to the ceiling, and in the center of it all, Lion was adding yet another dump to the dump. Gruby was so taken aback that she burst into Greg and Ruby again. "What's going o-" Greg started to say, before projectile vomiting into Ruby's eyes. Ruby held her ears and began screeching like a fire alarm.

Pearl's rock face appeared on her gem. "Time to blow this joint," she said, using her giant nose to lever herself out of sight and out of mind.

In a frantic attempt to restore his sense of smell, Greg grabbed the closest thing near him, which happened to be Ruby, and threw it at the problem. Ruby landed face-first into Lion's asshole, giving her VIP access to Rose's secret porn stash. Everything was labeled "For Steven."

Amethyst grabbed Greg's handy toolbox and proceeded to bolt the door to the wall, trapping Ruby in the temple. "I'm never going back there ever again," they all unanimously spoke.

* * *

Lars was out having his crack break out on the town. He walked past the Fryman shop. Ronaldo gave him a friendly wave from the window, but Lars knew a fighter when he saw one. Lars grabbed Ronaldo by the hair and slammed his head into the counter 3 times in a row. He reached over, took all the money in the cash register, gave Ronaldo the finger, and jacked Mayor Dewey's van.

Three blocks away, Sapphire was making progress. The shards of her gem had almost fully reformed by now, and she'd even managed to get her second leg back. "Just a little more, and I can finally return to my beloved Ru-" Her thought process was interrupted by a sharp van to the head, knocking it clean off, as Lars skidded off the road and into a tree.

"Dude, what the fuck did I just see on the side of the road?" Lars growled, white powder falling out of his nose. He strapped on Sapphire's torso which he thought was his backpack and tried to stand up, instead knocking the shift into reverse with one foot and repeatedly stomping on the gas with his other foot. He backed over Sapphire's head and fell through the windshield onto the ground. In front of him lay the shiny pale oval that had caught his eye.

Pearl's nose was cracked in several places at this point. "Roll, you fucking... ME." But it was no use. Lars had already sluggishly reached his hand over and invaded Pearl's pearl-sonal space.

"This would look so good stuffed in my ear hole," Lars said. "Maybe Buck will finally see how good of a man I could be to him. Maybe he'll let me lick his feet."

Lars shoved it in his ear. But in a wacky turn of events, Pearl had fully recovered at that exact moment, and her body involuntarily reformed, now with one boob bigger and one boob smaller. Her extremely thin neck was now caught in Lars's gauge. Lars screamed and Pearl screamed, but for different reasons.

* * *

As Greg and Amethyst were pumping their noses full of air freshener to wash away the sin, Steven was thinking of a plan. He had to consider what Rose would do in this situation. "My dead mother in my dreams..." he reflected.

Pearl and Lars stumbled into the room, Lars complaining of his earache and Pearl complaining of being close to Lars. "

"What the HELL is going on here?" Greg inquired through snorts of Febreze.

Amethyst couldn't help but laugh. "I can't believe you managed to fit your neck in such a small hole."

"I guess her neck's the best," Steven added.

Pearl sighed haughtily for 23 seconds before forcing out her solution. "There's only one way to fix this. We have to fuse and then unfuse. Can you dance?"

Lars was grinding up a storm before she could even finish. Pearl could only join in, unable to perform her usual ballet routine with her neck stuck in his fucking face. After what felt like an amount of time, Pearl's gem began to glow and Lars's dick began to grow. With a blinding glare, their fusion was revealed.

They were not a fusion. Now, Pearl's entire torso was shoved in Lars's now-bleeding gauge. Amethyst sighed, shook her head, and brandished a kitchen knife. "The only feasible solution here is amputation," she shrugged before savagely chopping off both of Lars's ears.

Lars felt nothing, physically or emotionally, thanks to the cocaine. "Thank Rose that's over," Pearl sighed in relief. "Come on, Steven, we're going to the lab."

Steven was frustrated at being told what to do. "Listen up, you nosy bitch, listen close-" he began, but was cut off by Pearl attaching one spark plug to his nipple, one spark plug to his other nipple, and one spark plug to his gem.

"This will force Rose back," Pearl grinned way too big. "I've been waiting for this moment my whole life." She slammed the button marked "ROSE," setting off the plugs. The energy flowed from Steven's nipples into the gem, which is what the spark plugs did. Pearl slid a spatula between the gem and Steven's stomach, hoping that she could detach it without breaking it. She didn't succeed.

The Rose Quartz gem was on the floor, broken. Tears welled up in Pearl's eyes. She turned to the child she had hated all this time with a newfound love. "Steven, I'm so sorr... wait, Steven? You're alive?"

Steven blinked and shook his head in confusion. "What's going on?" he said. He looked down at his stomach, and where his gem had been, there was only a tattered piece of duct tape covering up his severely infected belly button. "Where's it at?" he said.

Pearl backed away in confusion, bumping into someone. She turned around and did a double take. "R-Rose?" Pearl gaped.

This is true. Rose had rose from the grave. She put a finger to the shellshocked Steven boy. "It's been a pleasure, Steven," she said, patting him on the head way too hard.

Pearl backed up again, and bumped into another person. She turned around to find that Garnet was there, the genuine article, Garnet was there.

Pearl spun round in disbelief. "I don't understand. Why is this happening?"

Rose breathed heavily. "You wanna know what's happening? You wanna know why I did this? You wanna know why I went back into my gem and had Greg tape it onto this random kid we found on the side of the road?"

"Wait," Pearl interjected, "Random boy?"

"Think, Pearl, how would I give birth to a human child? How stupid are you?"

"Damn it, Rose, I fought with you! I fought for you! And now..." she pulled out her spear, "Now I have to fight you!"

Rose activated her shield. "I didn't want it to come to this. But hey, you started it, dick-nose."

Pearl's years of training were no match for her idol's. Despite wielding something so defensive as a shield, Rose was able to lay down the worst beatdown she'd given anything in centuries. In mere minutes, Pearl was on the floor, barely able to move.

"Just finish me off," Pearl surrendered.

Rose thrust her shield into the floor and put her hands on her hips. "No, Pearl. I'm not going to finish you off. And you know why I'm not gonna finish you off? Because..."

Rose's expression suddenly went from seething fury to unbridled amusement. "I'm an actor, they're all actors, those are hidden cameras, and you're on MTV's Disaster Date."


End file.
